Valentine’s Day, AKA the most romantic day of the year (snort), is upon us yet again. Although the majority of film fans will be settling down for a quiet night in with Richard Gere/Richard Curtis and an extra-large box of choccies, horror aficionados will be after something with a bit more bite. And, if it means impressing that special someone, we must tread carefully as not everyone finds dismemberment and rivers of blood as enticing as we do.
If you’re celebrating Anti-Valentines Day this year, then fear not, Wicked Horror has got you covered with ten of the best flicks to watch on the big day. The following list is compiled of kick-ass Anti-Valentines Day movies, that are aimed at folk who loathe a holiday bathed in pink and who are seeking out a different kind of entertainment on the most romantic night of the year. Watch alone, or with a lover, someone you hate, someone you’ve grown to love or someone you just met, and bask in the blood-soaked glory of it all (choccies optional):
Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist is the least romantic film imaginable. Not only does it focus on a couple in the midst of a complete and utter meltdown, but it’s loaded with sex, violence, gore and, in particular, an excruciating example of FGM, the likes of which it’s doubtful we’ll ever see committed to celluloid again. Make it a double bill with last year’s Nyphomaniac if you’re really in the mood.
Perfect for: Couples in a fight who refuse to ignore the day
This twisted Japanese shocker boasts one of the most effective jump scares in the history of horror (it still works, even when you’re expecting it). It also has one of the most ruthless and effective female villains of all time, a scarily calm psychopath who uses a litany of inspired tools to torture a man who rather stupidly spurned her advances.
Perfect for: Anyone who has ever been on a bad date
Perhaps the most shocking thing about this Valentine’s Day-themed slasher is that it stars Denise Richards at the height of her, er, fame. You’ll probably guess who the killer is immediately, but that doesn’t make it any less fun watching the brain-dead characters try to figure it out.
Perfect for: Teenage girls at a slumber party, looking to scare their friends while simultaneously reminding themselves that David Boreanaz is still hot
Ben Wheatley is fast becoming a horror icon, thanks to the chilling Kill List, the shocking Down Terrace, the masterful A Field In England, his brilliant “U Is For Unearthed” contribution to the otherwise dreadful ABCs Of Death, and now this. His pitch-perfect black comedy horror about a couple who discover, through a series of unfortunate incidents, that they share a passion for killing random strangers who piss them off is hugely enjoyable.
Perfect for: A new couple still trying to figure out each other’s little quirks, or indeed a first date, if you intend to freak out your paramour before trying it on
The Loved Ones
A torture-infused nightmare from the Land Down Under, The Loved Ones is a modern masterpiece. Another spurned woman gets her revenge as, thanks to her equally loopy family, an unsuspecting young man is left at the mercy of a girl whose invitation to the school dance he rejected and whose favourite toys are, among other things, power tools. Just remember kids, it isn’t love until it’s been carved into your chest.
Perfect for: Any young man who scoffs at a Valentine from an “unsuitable” girl
My Bloody Valentine (3D)
It isn’t Valentine’s Day without this schlocky gem. Yet another ill-advised remake, My Bloody Valentine (3D) is dripping with blood and loaded with tension. Over the years, it has become something of a cult favourite, thanks in large part to the fact it’s so bad it’s good. And often, so bad it’s bad (funnily enough, it didn’t launch the film career of Dawnson’s Creek alumnus Kerr Smith).
Perfect for: Opportunistic males, looking to scare their dates into their arms. Or to sicken them into spewing all over the sofaHoneymoon
Although it was a hit on the festival circuit (making a particular splash at Frightfest), Honeymoon limped onto DVD/BR last month with barely a ripple. Disappointing, considering it’s one of the bravest and most original horror movies of recent years. As is probably obvious from the title, it centres around a newly-married couple. So, if your wedding is a cherished memory, check out Honeymoon with your wife/husband and watch all of those happy thoughts slowly drift away.
Perfect for: Newlyweds, or a couple who’s been married a long time and doesn’t feel like they quite know each other anymore
An under-appreciated stalker thriller, in the vein of a modern, more chaste Fatal Attraction, Swimfan has aged significantly thanks to the rampant usage of chat-rooms contained therein. However, ignore that Stone Age concept, sit back and enjoy the thrill of watching Erika Christensen tear apart the life of a man she slept with one time and simply cannot let go of.
Perfect for: The spurned singleton who wants revenge
Shaun Of The Dead
On the other hand, Edgar Wright’s Shaun Of The Dead (the film that coined the term zom-rom-com and the first entry into his brilliant, genre-spanning Cornetto Trilogy) simply gets better with age. More of a bromance than a straight up romantic comedy, Shaun charts the struggle of the titular anti-hero as he tries to win his girlfriend back, while simultaneously fighting off a horde of bloodthirsty zombies. The main battle takes place, naturally, down at the local pub.
Perfect for: Bros who’d rather spend the most romantic night of the year together, instead of out being bored with some chick
If your paramour is really, really, really scared of anything that isn’t The Toy Story Of Terror, then Warm Bodies is your best bet. A strangely charming love story, about a girl who falls in love with a zombie, it manages to be funny, sweet and involving without resorting to the old Twilight cliches. Impressively, it also makes an attempt at building up a zombie mythos, which is always appreciated.
Perfect for: A first date with someone who may be pretending to be braver than he/she actually is
** Hardcore Option ** Fifty Shades Of Grey
If you simply must go to the cinema on Valentine’s Day, then you have but one option, the loathsome Fifty Shades Of Grey. Now, bear with me here, I want to play a game (not like that): let’s all collectively pretend this is a horror movie and see what happens. After all, we know the two stars hate each other, the book started life as Twilight fan-fic and the central relationship is blatantly abusive. If we pretend Christian Grey is a villain, and Anastasia Steele his victim, then Fifty Shades Of Grey could be a brilliant, terrifying torture epic.
Perfect for: Loons who hate whoever they’re taking to the cinema